Since Then

It’s definitely been a while since I have last written; I have been thinking and thinking and hesitating, and weighing. I have been trying to be honest with myself and muster any courage to truly see and be. And in the midst of it all, it happens. Her “departure”. Whether momentary or of longevity…. this moment seems realer than most.

I have been undoubtedly bitter, selfish, hypocritical, sad, angry, jealous, envious, spiteful, vengeful, and many FUL’s.

Throughout time, I have felt closer to her as my emotions for him have withered a bit, wandering in my own world of OZ. I can’t say I have matured, rather I have somewhat subsided. Within my waning, I feel some empathy as a result; minor but existent. I feel discomfort for her anguish.

BUT

I feel happy my house is no longer a rental. Selfishly and incoherently one house, yet two homes, one vacated.

What has bewildered me is the reality which now exists but never conceived. I am not jumping for joy, regardless of my place. AND I am not completely spited.

Happiness equals she is not the one.

I ask myself why

It’s not solely the simple, she is not better than I, because I am not comfortably better. It is not solely, she does not compliment him in the ways that matter most.

It is that my attachment is detached

Deep down, knitted in my soil, lays resentment.

“You were there; OH so cute. SO calm and poised you shortly stood. Confident and dismayed with my response to the dynamic of the relationship. Ready to ride with your clothing off; die hard, “understanding” what it took as you replaced my place in his bedroom escalating from one hour, to one night, then daily. There you were. There to step in……..

In my same footsteps.

I always knew my reasons for the breakup had nothing to do with you. BUT deep within lays the resentment for being the one thing I wasn’t at the perfect time. If I had that one piece you would have never existed…. and if there was a moment of fracture, it wouldn’t have lasted.

It is that piece that exists within me.

It is my fault yet you have added to that burden.

To you I say…. Sorry you feel pain. Thank you.

I express a joyful yet muddled yes!

An equilibrium of consummation and responsiveness is what I can genuinely offer.

I dont know if there is a next, or what is

I do know that, THE next for him will be better for the both of us, if it not be me.

 

 

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