It’s Mine to Take

I spew my emotions out as they are distasteful to my heart. My fingers typing with a conviction of love, but committed by a  mentality of dysfunction. I focus on both my losing him and the cause of my loss.

People are mostly familiar with my pain rather than its foundation.
It is I who caused the break-up.
Yet it is I who has cried night after night, with responsibility in the air and denial in my heart.

As time flies by, I waver through the years, holding on to the dimmest star. It’s over and I’m unaware of what’s to come.

What I fail to TRULY embrace is not the strength I “need” to maintain my grip but that I LEFT HIM. I write words such as acknowledge and accept, yet I mention how I’m the one holding on….

How can I be holding on when I’m the one who left!!!!????

He is a mastermind and I’ve yet to master my mind.  He deserved better; I deserved peace. He moved on, trying to find true happiness but I am still attached without the ability to truly commit.

I’ve blamed everyone but myself and how could I? I wasn’t suicidal; hadn’t had plans for our death. It just so happened to be that he was needed to bring it all out of me and being that person meant we couldn’t survive in the ring; the arena, the bond that “Always” had bonded us together, even when hanging up the phone as that was our word that replaced bye.

Destinty.. Bad timing.. Perfect timing.. Obstacle.. Survival.. Punishment.. Reward..

With the deepest of sighs, I wipe the tears from my eyes every now and then, hold my pillow tight, and allow reality to set with the sun each day, and by doing so I’m less blinded by the morning light.