The Ugly in the NUDE

I maximize every opportunity of validation through her failures. I, have become an opportunist in the worst way. Her sadness has served as a means of my support. I have no salary but I’m paid in lump sums,  rewarded in delight.  Each error shows how insufficient she is. Picking at an open wound, I dig in with a smile, sometimes remark under my breath, or maximize silently, simultaneously showing where I’d succeed.  Each of her forgetful actions calls me to supersede her “supposed desires” and highlights just how much she really desires to do for him. I stimulate insecurity; triggered because of me but also by my own purposes. When I hear her cry begging and pleading for redemption, I yell without a voice “get yo shit, get yo shit” and get the fuck out”. I tease by mockery and snap back with vengeance. I cry and pout in her successes; in her progression, I regress. In neutralness we maintain. Otherwise, I crumble with hatred and envy, anger and resentment. Her kindness makes me reflect. Her hate justifies my own. I realize I’m worse than I think. Not only am I not taking responsibility for my actions, but I am worse for taking such pleasure in someone else’s misfortunes, flaws, and lapses. Even worse, I have seen myself duplicate most of the same actions yet cite hers while bypassing  my own.

I long for her departure. Quests to help venture my mind; hands readily available.

I am at my worst. A hypocrite; Bully; Hateful;  Vengeful; Spiteful; Empty. A Negative Human Being.  A Disheartened Pathetic is who I’ve become.  Not who I will stay but labeling my current phase.

Advertisements